Tuesdays Flow

I wrote this post in my head during my Tuesday morning workout. And it may be a downer for some one you... so feel free to just skip this post if you want!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

See, I'm a cardio girl. I've ran two marathons (though it's been 10 years!) countless shorter distance races, and a couple of triathlons. If I'm at the gym I usually choose a cardio type class. I try to fit in some weights because I know I need to build muscle. In the past I have had a hard time convincing myself I got a workout if I didn't get any cardio in -- for example, I needed to run before a lifting weights - -  and yoga or Pilates was a joke. Like a waste of time. 

So fast forward to a couple months ago when a trainer at my gym (during a free consult session) suggested I go to a Body Flow class (yoga with a bit of pilates) to help stretch out my tight muscles. I resisted, but went because I knew it would help. Surprisingly, slowly I've gotten hooked on yoga. It's only once a week, so I'm not all "yogi"but I really do hate to miss my Tuesday Flow class. 

So Tuesday after Livs tumbling class, we headed to the gym. And I know what I'm getting myself into every Tuesday. I cry at every Flow class since coming home after my moms funeral. But I keep coming back. Somehow I don't find myself crying at my cardio or weight classes because my brain is probably focused on getting myself enough air to power through the workout... Or the music is just too fast paced to have a good cry? 

One of the last pictures I have with my mom - She was such a
sport - she took my bro and I on an impromptu trip to Salt Lake City
to catch our connecting flight after our flight out of Moab was cancelled.
And she smiled and was grateful for the extra time the whole way.

Anyways, I have a friend, recently turned yoga instructor in my old town of Hastings, Nebraska. She has mentioned she makes these emotional breakthroughs while doing yoga.. Or that her emotions are just so raw and sometimes she finds herself crying out of nowhere. Either way, I totally agree. 

I usually end up having a bit of a crying session during the last song where we all lay down and relax (I love it -- someone is watching my kids while I can lay on the ground and relax? YES!) Tuesday was different. I started thinking how nice it is to be able to exercise again after being so nauseas for months and months. And I thought my mom would have loved doing this with me if her body would have been able. Sometimes I think "I should call her and tell her about this awesome class." But then I remember she is gone. Because sometimes the hardest part is remembering that she is actually gone. 

After the graveside service -
Sam keeps reminding me that I got to put a
rose on the casket and he didn't
So "NEXT TIME" he gets to also.
I'm hoping the next time is not for a long time.

I have lived far away from her (at least 14 hrs by car) for the last 5 years. I probably averaged seeing her two or three times a year, so 15ish times in the last 5 years. I got used to not seeing her. I'm used to talking to her -- for the last year and a half or do I called almost every day. So sometimes it's hard to remind myself she's not there for me to talk to on the phone. 

But it's also hard because I just keep assuming I will see her "next time." Like Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or when this sweet baby is born. 

Liv and her naked bum.
She loved playing in the rocks

I let Liv get some time playing in the mud
at my dad's house - she loved it!

After mud pies, she wanted to swing

I keep thinking, after some "experience" I will have reality set in. Like I will just stop forgetting that she's gone. Before I went home for the funeral, I thought reality would set in when I finally got home and saw my dad. But it didn't, I just kept looking around for her. Signs of her life were everywhere. I kept using her hand lotion she kept out. Her cane was in the corner. A note from her sister was on the fridge. 

Then I thought "maybe when I see her and we have the funeral, then I will realize she's gone." But no. I kept looking for her the funeral. I just assumed she was going to the bathroom and that she would be back sitting in her chair or telling us what to make for dinner. 

I have also been surprised what has been hard, and what has been easy. Sometimes I am fine, and some things catch me off guard and break my heart and make me cry. 

Me, Suzanne, Dad, Brad, and Todd
After the funeral August 7 2014

I remember going to church the morning my dad told me my mom had passed away. I had been ok. I knew she was in a better place and I was happy she wasn't suffering. But as I was walking up to the church, I was talking to my dad about when the funeral would be and whether they would have time to announce it. He said that a family friend had called the local bishops and they would announce it at church. That was hard. Reality started to hit when I knew other people would know.

I didn't realize this, but at a funeral it's normal to display the life of the person who has died. Setting up tables of memories and different pictures and quilts my mom had made was hard. It was like displaying a beautiful life on a few tables, and I couldn't even begin to capture her wonderful spirit. 

The viewing and funeral were ok. It was hard, but it was so good. We had so so much support and we all felt so loved. It was also easy to help write the obituary. It was like writing a wonderful story about my mom.

But on our way driving out of town, I stopped by the newspaper office to pick up a couple of copies - and it was shockingly hard to read the obituary in the newspaper. That hurt. And I still haven't picked it up - there's just a neat (or not so neat) little pile of things from the funeral that I haven't even wanted to touch.

My dad also had a nice DVD made with pictures of my mom that played with music for people to watch while they were in line for the viewing. He gave all of us siblings a copy and it's in that pile. My dad suggested I watch it sometime, and mostly with my kids. He really wants his grandkids to remember my mom. And I thought it would be easy to just pop that DVD right in -- but when it came time, I just found something else to do. Sometimes it just takes time to work through emotions, and I think this is one of them. 

I love this picture - Todd was saying his belly was bigger than
mine or Suzanne's (I'm about 15 weeks along and Suz
is about 13 weeks) 

So this Flow class gives me time to think each of these thoughts. It's wonderful to hear myself think without being interrupted every 20 seconds by a 4 and 2 year old. I love the relaxing atmosphere, and I think it just allows me to grieve. Hopefully no one notices me wiping a tear or two (or more!) away in class.

So if anyone out there needs to work through some hard feelings, I would recommend going to your local gym with good child care (if you have kids and they are not in schools) and get yourself in a yoga class. Maybe it won't be the first or second time that you can relax enough to feel whatever you need, but I bet it will come. And you will get some killer workout in while you are at it. Yoga is hard!

I got to bring my mom's shoes home
I wear them almost every day because they remind me of her.

Forward Focus

It's been a while and a lot has happened. Two days after my last post my mom passed away. It's been a long road, and at times it feels like it was yesterday, and sometimes it feels like it's been a year. I will likely write more about that later, but right now I want to focus on the future while still remembering the past.

But first, let's talk about these dresses. I went to Joanns after I got back from the funeral and decided I needed to work on getting a final dress done. So I chose some awesome fabric. I REALLY love this combo.

The purple fabric on the right is a super nice feeling satin. That would be one side of the dress with an appliqué of some kind (fox, fox face, etc?) with the fox fabric. Then the other side of the dress would be the fox fabric with the orange dot fabric as the appliqué. Then I would mirror the appliqué in the cutout on the back. The orange/pink/white ribbon is the loop closure for the awesome orange button. LOVE IT! Now, I just have to work on it. ;) I think Liv is going to look super cute in it. I can't wait!

But let me tell you a story....

So I was showing this fabric to some friends the day that I bought it. I was trying to convince one of them to go into business with me. She could be the business side (marketing, accounting, paperwork) and I could be the sewing/designing side. Because it's been hard trying to do both. Basically everything moves at a snails pace. So as I was telling her she should do this with me, I also told her about another business idea I had. And as I was explaining it, I realized the other idea is what I really wanted to pursue.

I love these little dresses. I love that I made them up, and I love the color combos that could happen. But I was passionate about this other idea. I feel like it could make a difference for someone. And I don't think a little girls dress can do that as well. There's a difference between loving something, and being passionate about something else. There's a "why" behind the passionate idea, which is to help other people remember those who are important to them.

There's also a difference between my market audience. My business idea I am passionate about is a more narrow market. And the product is much more expensive, so that also narrows things a bit. So it may be a hard go - but that's ok with me. I have never seen anything like this, so I feel like I may have a niche.

But I'm going to go backward in time a bit before I tell you. I was talking with one of my other friends from Nebraska months and months ago. I knew I wanted to start a sewing business of some kind, I just didn't have an idea. I told her I loved to quilt, but it's hard to sell quilts because they are so expensive. Most people don't want to pay the price for a custom quilt -- mostly when they can get a soft blanket at Costco or Target for $20. So I kind of gave up on the idea.... At the time, we were going through the roller coaster of my mom's declining health and I wanted a way to bridge the gap between quilting and genealogy - or remembering the people who have touched our lives. I just really didn't know if it was possible to connect quilts and genealogy.

So after pinning a ton of quilt ideas off Pintrest, I found the idea. So while I hesitate to put this picture up on my blog, because it wasn't my original idea, but I can't find the original source from Pintrest. It just leads to an image without a webpage. Here goes....

And I'm sure once I make this quilt (one for me remembering my mom) I will work in my originalities, so it won't be a knock off this particular quilt. I just hope this quilt can be a jumping off place for my quilts.

So I'm planning on getting some of my mom's clothes (or something fabric and memorable) and (with my dad's permission!) cutting them up to appliqué them as the hearts on the top.  Then at the bottom I think it would be great to embroider  my dad, and maybe my whole family. And this girl is holding a coffee mug or something, but that's not really what I'm going for. So I will figure out something else. Also, if it looks good I can embroider names and dates of people on the quilt too.

I'm just excited - I feel like this is perfect. My mom had such a passion for quilting. I watched her, and I learned so much. Now I feel like I can use what she taught me to carry on her memory through quilting, and also through a quilt depicting that love her, miss her, and remember her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So for my short terms goals, I'm writing out a business plan. How fun is that going to be? Wish me luck!

And please someone business oriented speak up and join in my business venture! ;) It will be fun....